Getting along better with family

Most of us in society can share stories about ‘that’ family member that just doesn’t seem to know how to play fair or ‘be normal’. It can be any family member and for many of us, it is one of our parents and so often, it’s Mum. There are so many ‘Mum’ stories out there when it comes to people complaining about their family. It’s not just Mum and please don’t think I am pointing blame at anyone here. We all need to take responsibility for how we feel within ourself and what we do in order to create function where disfunction has presented itself. Many of us have to some degree have or do experience family disfunction. It can range from low on the spectrum to high on the spectrum. There are a variety of things that can hold family disfunction in place and in many cases there are varying degrees of mental health distractions that are at play in the disfunction, meaning old outdated near pathways from our childhood. One person’s behaviour is clashing against another person’s expectation. Families and those collective individuals making up families can be very complex and so, often the challenges or disfunction is due to a layering of reasons as opposed to one simple easy to pin point reason. Here is a 15 min blog on how to keep it simple despite the complexities. It is a principle, a practice a discipline and if you nail it, you will have a much better experience with those family members that you otherwise allow to challenge your inner peace and...
Resolving Conflict

Resolving Conflict

It would be an ideal world if we could see conflict as, a need to try and understand one another better than our current level of understanding.  As opposed to, assuming you need to make the other person completely wrong. “Whenever you’re in conflict with someone, there is one factor that can make the difference between damaging your relationship and deepening it. That factor is attitude.” — William James To add to that, the question to ask yourself to check in with your own attitude is, how rigid or justified and negative do I feel?  That is an indication of where your attitude is at. If handled effect­ively, conflict can be an opportunity for learning, growth and positive change. Click to tweet In the workplace or in any relationship, conflict can be an opportunity to learn and stretch and grow as long as there is an open attitude of first seeking to understand before seeking to be understood. Note:  Just because you do give people the space to communicate their perspective does not mean you are agreeing with them, it means you are stopping and listening long enough to completely understand where they are coming from. In some instances people can experience a rise in emotions and in some cases, some folk are less adept at regulating emotions when their emotions start to fire up. This means the emotional response can over power the initial intent or the ability to ground, listen, empathise and consider other perspectives and other peoples thinking.   A few tips: Not all people are created the same.  Largely our ability to process and handle conflict comes from our family system.  It’s faulty to assume the...
5 steps to manage toxic friendships

5 steps to manage toxic friendships

Toxic friends don’t necessarily need to be dropped Here are 5 things to consider when dealing with a difficult relationship   Intention: View people as their intention as opposed to getting stuck on their actions. Which may seem strange at first glance. However, actions can actually be a bit deceiving based on your assumptions and filters. I guess an example of this is PMT.  If we were judged on those couple of bad days, we’d have nobody left in our lives, they’d have all dropped us. Beyond chemical, stress and hormone factors, sometimes we can misunderstand, misinterpret, misjudge a persons intentions.  Sometimes when someone’s behaviour is toxic or not really acceptable, something a little deeper is at play for them that perhaps they are unable to communicate properly.   Family systems: understand that your family upbringing and communication and coping modelling is probably way different to anyone else’s in the same room as you. We are not all created equal. Some people need assistance to understand how to respond and behave in a more loving, sociably acceptable and value adding way.  Growing up we learn how to react and respond and how to love or reject based on our own parents or care givers modelling.  Some of our upbringings were less kind to us than others.  We are all also influenced a little differently as to how to attach to others in relationships.  Our attachment styles will influence the stability or the instability of our trust and our bonds and also our capacity to be open and loving or not.  We are not all created equal in this space....
Relationship Bliss

Relationship Bliss

How do you contribute to Relationship Bliss? Are you showing up consciously connected or unconsciously detached? I’m a bit of a comedian and really love to keep life upbeat and enjoyable with positive energy.  Having said that, today I’m kicking of on a very serious note.  Please keep an open mind and be willing to try and stretch your understanding and concepts beyond what you may be used to. As an avid observer of people and behaviour, I notice subtleties that, in the buzz of daily life, are easily and often downplayed.  This downplaying of certain subtleties in our daily routines, has an eventual reality check point.  This downplaying of certain subtleties can act like a deadly gas, not visible to the eye, that slowly creeps into an environment unknowingly until, something or someone passes out.  I am campaigning against the silent gas that breezes on in and poisons an otherwise very good relationships.  To ward against it, you need to wake up a part of your consciousness, become consciously connected and make it a daily practice to maintain conscious connection.  This keeps the creeping poisonous gas out of your relationship.  So, how do you do this? Living in the same house, sharing the same bed, going on the same holidays, parenting the same children, making the same mortgage payments, does not constitute being ‘consciously connecting’.  If your bond, your connection, your friendship, your love, isn’t your priority, consciously, then, the noisy, distracting, business of life can VERY EASILY seduce you into making everything else a priority.  BECAUSE, hey, your partner is always there right. You’re just always there.  You...
3 Must Have Relationship Pillars

3 Must Have Relationship Pillars

One blog post is not going to be a cure all for any dilemma, however a few seeds well cultivated, it can be a great help. There seems to be some common themes occurring within the relationships I have been coaching. These have inspired me to share some strategies to help make what seems complex, a little more simple. For a relationship to prosper there needs to be 3 pillars underpinning the relationship, creating the foundation that you build upon.  If you are experiencing challenges in your relationship, you can identify from these three pillars, where the challenges are coming from and, what aspect of your relationship requires tweaking or major help:   3 relationship pillars Effective communication this is where people fall over the most – we must learn what language we speak in and what language our partner speaks in so that we interpret and translate the right messages.  People are complex processing machines and emotions often confuse the data or facts.  Values are different for different people and understand how to articulate what is important to you, how you have perceived something and where your limits and boundaries are will all impact your outcomes.  What says love to one person doesn’t necessarily translate to love for the next person.  We speak in different love languages and value languages.  Some of us have become accustomed to being defensive and blaming assuming everything else is to blame and others of us know how to accept responsibility for our actions and thoughts and words.  Fighting is the most unsuccessful form of communicating.  It is about caring only about being...