My ex-husband almost killed me

Mother Nature isn’t perfect and she isn’t fair either. And this is our starting point.
I will go as far to say that EVERY family disfunction can be traced to some form of mental health. Undiagnosed and untreated or totally misunderstood. It isn’t a shame to have wound in your system, but IT IS a responsibility to heal it.
AND the apple does not fall far from the tree. MEANING, disfunction and wound is held in a family energy signature that gets passed along through the generations. The punished have learned to punish them self and others.
THE SYSTEM we live in is far from perfect, humans are far from perfect.
And yet, one of our biggest short fallings is our own inability to hold space for each other because we don’t understand mental health and disfunction, we JUDGE it.
IT STARTS off not always but often with some trauma bonding, meaning, lurking in the undercurrents of a persons biology is the propensity to confuse and warp the bonding connection with their partner. It starts with a shift in power dynamics and one partner submits to keep the peace for example. There are many women who are natural peace keepers and helpers and it can be particularly easy to manipulate this personality type.
THINGS ESCALATE and the monster creeps in. The poisonous gas of the coercive domestic control and domestic violence. The perpetrator has been growing their abilities to disempower whilst the victim is chip by chip being disempowered, gaslit, bullied and a myriad of other personal liberties withheld.
THE PHENOMENA of being deep down the well of being trapped and silenced and overpowered and in danger creeps in like a poisonous gas for so many women.
PEOPLE JUDGE. BUT, it is a PHENOMENA and it is wrongly judged by many often including the police, and justice system workers and by many in positions of supporting the victims.
THE VOICE is one of the most disempowered confused and silenced liberties for the coercive control victim. For various reasons they are silenced and even when they do speak they are not heard or taken seriously.  
THE TRUTH gets very warped. Some women have to lie or not speak up, even saying, ‘I’m ok now’ in order to protect a family pet or some other horrific threat from being afflicted. Some woman are so traumatised and confused and scared and ashamed and sad and alone and in this state, trying to make choices that protect the children short and long term. This is close to impossible when the perpetrator coercive controller is sabotaging the woman’s character and manipulating and charming people to make out he is a loving caring parent and partner and it is his crazy wife that is the problem. This is one of THE MOST COMMON dilemmas.
THE JOURNEY is depleting. When you have been pulled from pillar to post emotionally, made to feel unsafe and that you are the crazy one, it’s probable the victim IS going to be labeled as the crazy one because they are often being tormented in all the ways. Making the victim look like the unstable person is one of the greatest tools a coercive controller possesses, manipulating certainty and sleep and routine makes it quite easy to sabotage the innocent victims nervous system. Sometimes when people are drowning in a sea of stress and anxiety they can grab at any one in order to prop them self up to survive and this energy repels people to move away from helping.
VICTIMS get murdered and so do children and pets, property gets destroyed and so, this is a REAL and DANGEROUS pattern that is very common and this can be happening right under our noses. And there is no ‘one’ easy answer or process or outcome. The system is less than perfect and unfortunately it can suck in, chew up and spit out the victim and the children and the families of the victims and the perpetrator all suffer.
RESOURCES are scattered and difficult to access often. Often the victim has had many liberties restricted such as emotional freedom and financial access. They get kicked while they are down because the battle to protect children and to protect them self is real when the coercive partner is on a mission to destroy and control the victim. Because their own internal pattern of wound has them feeling justified to own and overpower others.
ON TOP OF THIS, the justice system journey is all beyond hard and confusing and often unsupported by even those who are in positions of support and authority.
When the coercive controller wins the battle of disempowering and tearing down the victims character and life using the children often to do so, sometimes the only way out is suicide.
We need more awareness and less tolerance to coercive control. We need the law to say zero tolerance, to clearly articulate coercive control and make it a jail-able crime. We need language around coercive and violence against women or partners to be louder and clearer and not steeped in shame and judgement.
We need to know that people need healing both victim and perpetrator.  We need to understand the narcissist and the sensitive and how these types are often the couple that will experience the worst domestic injustices.
We need awareness, strategy and resources.
Reaching out for support is not always easy, but it is an essential step in the healing process of regaining self-confidence and self-worth. If you live on the Gold Coast Reach out to Safe Haven Community to join the free KINSHIP CIRCLE support group.
Call us on 1800 042 836 for specialised, confidential and free support. We are here to listen, help and support you in your choices. Whilst we are not an emergency service we can:
  • Provide counselling and relationship support
  • Help you find immediate and safe accommodation
  • Provide court support
  • Check your phone for spyware via Wesnet or Techsafety
  • If you are in danger, don’t feel safe, or fear for someone else’s safety, call Triple Zero (000) immediately and ask for police.
  • For non-urgent police assistance, phone Policelink on 131 444.
If you wish to speak with someone about domestic and family violence, you can contact:
  • DVConnect Womensline on 1800 811 811
  • DVConnect Mensline on 1800 600 636
  • 1800 RESPECT on 1800 737 732
If you wish to speak to someone about your mental health and wellbeing, you can contact:
  • Beyond Blue 1300 22 4636
  • Sane Australia 1800 18 7263
  • Lifeline on 13 11 14
  • Mensline Australia on 1300 78 99 78